FADE IN:

SAMI'S living room — day.
In the heart of west philadelphia, born and raised, where they spent most of their days.

DISSOLVE TO:

Kai is in her baby clothes, as she always is. Sami in her thottie outfit. They've been practicing for four hours.

KAI
Sami, I know I agreed to staying here and doing this duet. But, new prospect are arising.

Kaila, looks off dramatically.

SAMI
What do you mean? We finally getting signed! We're going to get rich.

KAI
Okay, well, I have to go. And bless everyone with my voice. You know, the usual. See you.

Kaila glitches out the apartment.

Days later, Sami decides to text Kai for her birthday. Even though she was LEFT! ABANDONED!

SAMI
"chan 🤠 did you know 🦕 that uh 👩🏻🦲 I love you 🥰
happy birthday my little crackette:( I really love you and you make me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever known. you could breath and I’d be cracking tf up. I love when I start singing and I can always count on you to sing along
With me. doOONT PICK UP THE PHhhhOOONNNEEEE. I really miss you on skype but I know u out here doing big things so I’m not going to stop you. I hope chan bursts through your door and holds your hand really tight because you deserve it even tho he look like a big ass strawberry shortcake. 🥳 happy 🤓 birthday 😎 my love ☺️ I’m writing this on two brain cells 🤖"

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

ACT I: SCENE II
Within the time of Ancient Greece, approx. 800 BC. Two figures loom in the throne room of Mount Olympus, clad in spotless robes and golden jewelry. Yes they are black goddesses in Ancient Greece lmao who is Zeus MOVING ON

DEFFY
Alas, I see you’ve decided to come in your homeless outfit just like you always do
KAI
WE’RE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES
DEFFY
SILENCE. IT IS THE DAY OF BIRTH FOR A VERY SPECIAL BEING UPON THIS HOUR
KAI
(stares at deffy like she is smoking six blunts) it’s literally my birthday
DEFFY
........IT IS THE DAY IF BIRTH......FOR A KINDA SORTA SPECIAL PERSON....🗿
KAI
FUCK YOUDH
DEFFY
you’re underage 🤮 but I have a gift for you (pulls out a small silver box conveniently stashed in her robe sleeve)
KAI
( grabs the box immediately and opens it up)
DEFFY
LMAO YEET

{and so thus the TRUE legend of Pandora’s box begins 😭😭}

Although Deffy did her that dirty, she still gave her a letter. And so it read!

DEFFY
"My PEANUT BUTTERCUP. You’re getting older. Sniffles, the children grow so fast, I still remember when you were waddling in the river water 🤧 we don’t talk as much one on one and I tease you a lot, but you really are my little baby. My sugarplum starlight. I think of you like the soft cushion within our group. You’re so funny IT DON’T MAKE SENSE LIKE YOU’RE A WHOLE FOOL, yet you manage to still be so wholesome. I know you’ve been away for your studies, and I hope you know just how proud of you I am. It takes a lot to focus on things like education when so much is going on. You deserve to achieve everything and anything you decide to chase after. As the kai appointed leader of the asshole unit 🤩🤩 I demand that you have the best birthday and YOU MUST ENJOY IT ENTIRELY OR I WILL DRIVE OVER THERE AND STEAL YOU AWAY"

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

Bri's room, Kai is painting her hair cause that's some soft shit. I (marie) imagine you would do this, with NCT playing in the background.

Bri, shyly, hands her a letter she had written before she got to her place.

BRI
"to my lovely kailah,

[donghyuck voice] hey shawty~ you’re finally my age again! time goes by so fast 😭 just the other day you said your first word (chan) and now you’re a beautiful seventeen year old baby 😠💗💗 i love you so much :( you’re the cutest and funniest and most annoying girl i’ve ever had the pleasure to know. your random sounds that you make on call and when no matter what, you’re ALWAYS SINGING, are my favorite things about you. i love how i can be soft or happy or upset or sad and you never judge me for it. and even though you’re never serious when you sing on call, i’m always anticipating because i know your real voice must be heavenly 🥺😔 we have so much in common and i could talk to you about literally anything without shame. my talented baby, out here doing bigs things, turning 17, getting a job, putting meryl streep out on the streets with your acting 😭😭 you’re so bright and beautiful and i just know your future is going to be so kind to you. you’re a great listener and have given me so much support every time i vent to you. thank you for being such an amazing friend, to me and all of kfc. i would kill for you.😤🤘🏼 i adore you so much and i hope that we become closer than we already are!! you’re my mf baby and i’m always gonna love you!!! i love you bitch!!!! i aint ever gonna stop loving you!!!! bitch!!!!!!"

KAI
Damn, that's some gay shit.

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

In the set of an audition, our little stars! Aisling turns to face her, her powerful mind allowing her to say emojis outloud and talk in fancy font.

AISLING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAI!!!!! i love you so much my 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒆. i’m really happy we became friends. anyone would be lucky to have someone as funny, smart and caring as you in their life and i’m one of those lucky people 😂💕. i hope that whatever you go on to do in life you prosper, and i know you will with that big brain of yours.

so the reason why i chose this song for you is whenever i’m feeling down and i put it on, it instantly puts me in a good mood. it kinda reminds me how you’re one of those people that can just lift the mood of any situation just by being yourself hehe. mwah, i hope that you have a great YEAR and birthday. i love u so much

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

FLASHBACK TO VAL PICKING KAI FROM THE RIVERSIDE.

Val was walking down the river, on a date with her baby daddy (DEFFY!), when she spotted Kai from a distance. She runs to her.

Val
Whoooooo left her here?
KAI
[making baby noises, idk.]
Val
Well, you're my kid now.

Back to the present day, it's the big 17 day for Kai. Val has some words.

VAL
Happy birthday to my favorite child! I’m gonna keep this short and sweet. I love you so much, there isn’t a day that I don’t think about you and hope you’re having the best day of your life. You deserve the world and when I get it to you. It’s OVER for everyone!

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

Belle wanted to beat you up with love, so I'm trying to do this as softest as I can.

Belle throws a left hook to Kai's jaw, screaming as she does.

BELLE
STUPID BITCH! YOU ATE MY LAST COOKIE!

KAI
I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY. YOU ATE MY BIRTHDAY CAKE. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

Belle backs off, it be like that, and glares at her.

BELLE
Points were made.
KAI
Of course they were, I made them.
BELLE
Shut up! I have something to say.
"Happy bornday channington!!! I hope today is your best birthday yet and that you eat lots n lots of good food n dance n laugh n smile lots n spend it well with all your favorite people! I’ve had your tiny self in my life for about one (1) whole year now and that’s 365+ days that I’ve watched you grow uwu. It doesn’t seem like much but it feels like forever. 😡 We’ve watched you grow from a 12 year old to a whole 13 year old... a whole teen... that’s crazy... Hehe jokes aside, you’re such a joy to have around n you bring so much light n laughter to us all n we’re so lucky to call ourselves your friends. You’re genuinely one of the funniest people I’ve ever met jdjdjd you don’t even have to try you really just out here being naturally funny.😔 I’m overworking my brain cell right now because I’m trying to stay awake so this isn’t coming out like I wanted it to BUT LISTEN: I love you so much n I’m so grateful to have met you my liddle crack baby n I hope this birthday is your best one yet. I treasure you and our friendship so much and though you’re a busy bee and I don’t see you as often as I wish I did, I’m always missing you and rooting for you.😡 When you make it big it’s gonna be over for everybody n I’m gonna be right there in a little corner cheering you on. This isn’t even half of what I would like to say to you but it’s all I can word right now so I hope it goes without saying how much I love and appreciate you as well as how much I value your presence in my life. Thanks for being born & making the sun shine brighter everyday our lil sunshine and happy birfday to you"
KAI
The fact that you pronounced emojis scares me.

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

Honey took Kai to Disneyworld for her birthday, since she's so rich ö. Before they can ride one of those scary rides, Honey screams at Kai.

HONEY
KAIKAIKAIKAIKAIIIIIII HEWWWWOOOO

Happy birthday, my love ❤️ I’m so happy to have met you and gotten to know you enough to call you my friend. Even though I’ve been absent AS FUCK, I love you lots and lots 🥰 you are probably the most crackhead person I’ve ever met, and I hope that you have a BEAUTIFULLY BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY, YOU BEAUTIFULLY BEAUTIFUL GYAL!

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

Kaina was doing her usual bullying, giggling to herself as she thought of new ways to tease (lovingly) Kai.
This once, she let herself be soft, sending Kai a cute text. Big uwu.

KAINA
"okay rubs my hands, HELLO chan. HELLO kai. Half of me, the kai to my na. The punching bag to my fist 😂 u a real one dawg, we been thruuu soooo much not really but u know a few chatbot wars here n there 🗿no biggie😂👋🏻 but throughout it all....you have always been there as a stress reliever — although you miss half the fight bc u asleep — BUT ANYWAY, the FUNNIEST mf out of all of us without eem trying, you be breathing and you’re awarded best comedy act of the night. The most consistent punching bag I’ve ever had the honour of beating up 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️ I think over the years you’ve just gotten more and more aggressive, iss ok I’ll up my game don’t u worry lil one 😛.

There are times where you get so so busy that we don’t see or speak to you for days and it’s within those long weeks that I start missing you and hugging your leg whenever I see you on the tl, it’s within those times where de urge to bully is softened into a LONGING FOR OUR CHANSUS 🥺 you’ve always made me laugh — alongside always making me wanna choke u — but I hope you can make yourself laugh as much as you make us laugh. Just like anyone else, I know you have a lot going on, a lot to deal with, it’s for those times that I leave I love you’s in your iMessages, for those times that I reply to you with paragraphs just a tad longer than my average ones, because despite the amount of times I pick on you, I love you very very much, and I know that someone with so much personality and confidence will go so very far in life. I remember, at one point in time, you were so so horribly stressed about your grades that you put all your effort, all your energy into getting them back up, and you did. You rose them so impressively high with the short amount of time you gave yourself. And it made me proud of you. I’m always proud of you, but seeing you, yourself, satisfied with your hard work, give or take a few moments of doubt, made me incredibly proud and simply...happy. Happy that you’re succeeding, even if it was just a grade, it was still an achievement to you and thus a celebration to me. That’s just one time out of the billions I could point out as an example of how no matter what obstacle stands in your way, you’ll always find a way to will yourself through it. I also think that was the first time you disappeared on us, the very first #Chan/KaiDrought.

Another thing that I’ve always admired about you is how well you do in your performances, how talented and charismatic you are and how, despite having awful teachers sometimes, you always come out on top and shine like the loud mf you are. Idk how long we’re supposed to be making this so imma cut it off for now but I’ll write the rest and store it in my notes if it’s needed. Kfc loves you, nct loves you, jaemin loves you, EYE love you, punches you happy birthday our chicken fetus 🤣"

• Right Arrow

Halloween night, Kay and Kai are on the swing sets. Kinda scary, kinda cute. We like it.

Kay pushed Kai's swing gently, looking up at the stars before reciting her letter to her.

KAY
"BABY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Uwu have a great day my supreme crack queen. You are without a doubt one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, you don’t even have to try and you’re just naturally such a fun and lovely presence to be around. I appreciate you you funny whore!!!! You’re so pretty and cute and uwu I just wanna squash your face. I love your fire and how easy you are to get along with. I wish we were closer but I’m super proud of everything you’re doing irl and everything you’re achieving. I’m proud of the person you are and the person you’re growing into. KISSES YOUR NOSE HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY LITTLE BABY."
KAI
It's is true, I Am The Supreme.

FADE OUT

• Right Arrow

happy birthday kai:

the cast goes as follows:

kai - kai
kae - kae
director - kae
script analysis - kae
prop master - kae
assistant director - kae
producer - kae
cater - kae

Place: kfc mansion 💆♀️

3
2
1

quiet on set!
action!


(as the play begins kae is in the kitchen)

(KAE whisking and singing to herself)
kae: happy birthdayyyy to... youuu

(KAI enters quickly) (Pause. Cut to close up of Kai saying next line.)

Kai: kae what the fuck happened here? The whole kitchens a mess.

(Pause. Close up of Kae saying next line.)

(KAE hiding bowl behind her back)
kae: o-oh...haha! Nothing this mess wasn’t mine.

(Pause. Pan out to full view)

(KAI places hands on hips)
kai: now...I know you ain’t lyin while you hiding sumn behind your back.....what is that? eggs?

(Pause. Close up of Kae’s reaction then pan out for next line.

(KAE quickly places bowl down while rushing towards Kai)
Kae: Lmao! No. You seein things chief there isn’t a bowl and we ran outta eggs three days ago.

(KAE lightly pushes Kai towards the kitchen exit)

kai: But-

(KAE slams door in Kai’s face.)


(SETTING: right outside kitchen)

(KAI holding up a small letter)
Kai: I was gonna tell you you left this on the table....

(KAI opens letter and reads to herself)

kae: EH EM dear Kai. First of all i want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! You’re like 10 now damn it feels like yesterday you were just 16 or sumn damn. Our golden maknae 💆♀️ is growing up 😓 wipes tear I WUV UUUUU you’re so young yet you’re already doing so many amazing things! so many things i definitely wasn’t doing when i was your age(that makes me feel old 🚶♂️) anyways onto the soft shit. You mean so much to me man djhd i know we don’t talk much bc im a dumbass who gets shy all the time but you’re someone who i trust 100% and i cherish our friendship so much. you’re the funniest person i know like just seeing you on my tl makes me laugh and shit hfjdj. I know i definitely don’t tell you this enough but i love you! even when i tease you i love you so much. You’re also one strong ass mf you literally take so much bullshit from everyone and deal with so much every day like school rehearsal work dumbass friends(including me 😔☝🏼 djdjd) yet you still have the energy to be a badass bitch who’s funny as fuck??? you go out of your way to make kfc laugh even when you yourself is down WHICH BTW IT MAKES ME SAD AF WHEN UR DOWN i know i’m a fool who doesn’t know how to properly communicate with anyone jdjd but i wanna be there for you!!!! whether you need advice or just someone to listen to you rant im there for you always 😔💖 I love you stinky 😡💖


ANNDDDDD SCENE! 💆♀️💖

• Right Arrow

Rain sent you a computer virus email for your birthday, true evil of the world.

RAIN
"Hello my one true love 😔☝️,

I’m here to confess 🤠 you’re a huge pain in my ass and I want to break up. Those are the words that I will never say 😌. Okay anyways happy birthday my small strange crackhead and I hope you have a good day. I love you with all my heart even you you’re damn annoying with your weird little ugly memes I fr and worried about your camera roll at this point. You make me happy and uwu constantly I just want to shove you in my ziplock bag, carry you around and make sure no one hurts you because you’re my precious little unproblematic fav.
Anyways I hope you have the bestest day and no one is allowed to hurt you unless they are me 😡❤️ Happy birthday I love you the mostest uwu

Xoxo,
Alpha oppa."

• Right Arrow

Marie's backyard, she's lounging with all her money spread out in front of her.

Since it's Kai's birthday, she's letting her have it all.

MARIE
My favorite baby, i love you so much. And I'm so happy that I can spend this birthday with you. My tiny dancing queen, I know you're going to get so far, you're going to achieve everything you want and more. I'm so happy that I met you, that we became friends. Since the start I've seen you as my baby, and even if we tease each other a lot, I still love you a lot. You're so close and dear to my heart, I miss you every time you're gone. I hope today is good for you, that it's everything you hoped for and more. If you ever have a bad day, I'm beating it up for you. I love you!!

But alas, it didn't matter that she poured her heart out. Kai ran away with all the money.

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